Mother’s Day is always a hard holiday for me to deal with. It will always remind me of my 4 little angels. The hardest question for me to answer is, “How many kids do you have?” How do I answer? Do I take the easy way out, 3 children, here they are. Or do I answer with my heart, 7 babies, 3 right here with me, and 4 more in the arms of Jesus.
As I hold my baby’s hand today, and look at his small fingers, I can’t help but think back to my first baby. The one whose hand I never held. She’d be 6 years old this Mother’s Day. My Angel.
I think of the other 3 little angels. Mysterie Rayne, Sunshine Rae, and Charity Rose. All three gone before a doctor could verify their existence, but I knew they were there. And now, I know why they are gone. I don’t know what is worse, not knowing, or knowing. I always feel guilt, and depression when I think of these three. I can’t help but feel that my defective uterus caused their loss. Despite my friends and family, who tell me constantly that I’m not defective, and it’s not my fault, the guilt still washes over me when I think of these three babies. The same defect that caused their loss caused all three of my survivors to be born prematurely, two of them needing NICU care. It’s hard to separate those thoughts. I think deep inside, whether I verbalize it to anyone else, a part of me will always feel defective and guilty.
My first baby. It’s been 6 years, and it still hurts.
What honest emotions! Not everyone understands the pain of losing an unborn child. I lost two myself, and I was treated as if I just gotten over an illness while I, on the other hand, was mourning the loss of my baby. It is painful enough without taking on the guilt that you are somehow responsible. God does not make mistakes and He must have a reason for putting you through all you been through with your babies. Take comfort in the fact that you can be reunited with them in paradise!
You said the words that I think to myself everyday of my life for the past 2 years since losing my precious Brianna. I know its not my fault but I will always feel like I am guilty and that I should have my daughter with me now. I know that God wanted her and though I am a Christian, I cant help but to have human emotions and to ask God “why cant I have her?” As the person commenting before me said “God does not make mistakes” and we have to believe that and also believe that we will one day get to know what our children look like. Just look forward to that day as I do.