Kat's Arbitrary Thought Processes

Emotionally, I feel like I’m halfway up a muddy hill. At the top of this hill is a beautiful grassy plateau where everyone I know is laughing and dancing in the sunshine, having a great time. Below me at the bottom is a pile of jagged rocks with thorn bushes and poison ivy. I’m desperately slogging through the muck that is already ankle deep, covered in mud and filth trying to find a way up through the mire… and someone has turned a fire hose on me…. This hill is so slick, I can’t find anything to hold on to, I can’t keep myself from slipping further down the hill edging closer to those thorns and jagged rocks just wait to cut me open…

I’m not giving up… I’m fighting the muck and the mire… I don’t want to hit those rocks at the bottom. I’ve been there before, and I know it hurts way too much… But for every inch I gain, I slip back two.

This song by Sanctus Real is like a God-smack upside my head right now…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fki04dpFD-0[/youtube]

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Sanctus Real

“I’m Not Alright”

If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of
Then “cool” is just how far we have to fall
I am not immune, I only want to be loved
But I feel safe behind the firewall

Can I lose my need impress?
If you want the truth I need to confess

[Chorus:]
I’m not alright, I’m broken inside
And all I go through, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride
Bring me to my weakness
Until everything I hide behind is gone
And when I’m open wide with nothing left to cling to
Only you are there to lead me on.

Honestly, I’m not that strong.

[Chorus:]

I’m not alright… that’s why I need you.

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I’ll be ok… You know what kind sucks… I’m really praying that my thyroid levels will be out of whack enough…. For my doc to give me meds (I’ve got lab tests on Monday, appt w. Doc the following week)…. Because this is not me. Where did I go? I’m so damn close to the way it felt after thePinkDiva was born I’m kinda scared. I never wanted to feel like this again.

Update: A third cup of hot chocolate, some good music, and alot of prayer later, I feel better.  The tears are dry (for now).  I’m still stuck in the muck about 1/3 of the way up the hill… but at least the fire hose has been turned off for the moment.