**This is the post I wrote earlier this morning, and my DSL ate it!
Just in case you didn’t know…. dragons equal fears. Sarah challenges us to face our fears as part of our journey of self discovery. and I gotta admit… I’ve been hiding from this challenge! That’s part of why there have been no posts in the last few days…. I’ve been sleeping in, or trying to… and just closing the book, because I didn’t feel ready to face my fear. And then… after all that soul seraching and facing up to it this morning… the DSL blinked and it was all gone! ARRGGHH! So here I go again…. What is it that I fear I will discover about myself?
My biggest fear….. and it was hard enough to type the the first time…. but what if I go through all this self discovery, and finding what makes me me, only to discover that I don’t like being a mother? All my life I wanted to be a wife and mother. That’s it. Dream accomplished! I should be delirously happy! so why then do I feel like such a failure as a mom? I used to love working with the 0-5 yr old crowd in church… But somehow, I feel totally lost when it comes to my own kids… There are times when I can’t wait for them all to be old enough for school, so I can have my days back for just me….. And other times when my inner brat, Kassie, declares she is tired of playing house! She’s ready to go home now! So often I feel like I am in a constant battle of wills with all three of my children… and I’m tired of fighting!
I should take a moment to point out…. I love my kids. I love them so much! It’s because I love them that I continue to fight these battles with them. Because I want them to grow up to be healthy, well-adjusted, and smart. And I have the greatest times with them. There truly is nothing better than the feeling of your baby with his pudgy little arms wrapped around your neck as he snuggles into your shoulder for a great big hug. These are the memories I want to keep.
As I face down this “dragon” today, I truly believe that I do indeed love being a mom. I just need to realize that I will never be that ideal mom that seems to be in my head. I will scream and yell at times. I will lose the battles every now and then (but as Mercer Mayer says, “Momma always wins!” *S* Shout out to all the Little Critter fans!). My house may occasionally fall apart around me as I spend time playing with the kids or geeking online. I will get frustrated with the kids. I will question my every move in an attempt to find a better mousetrap so to speak. I will have days when my body hurts too much to do everything they want me to do with them. I will occasionaly let my hormones get the better of me. (Put down the chocolate, and slowly back away! *S*)
I will never be June Clever…. (Lord above knows I absolutely despise dresses!)…. But I will always be me. I have the power to change me, and I am the only one who can. So if I don’t like how I handle a situation, “I” am the only one with the power to do anything about it!
I struggle constantly with the amount of yelling I do. I grew up in a house with a “Screamer!” and always swore I wouldn’t be that way, yet here I am…. and just like Mark Lowry, my kids know that when mommy’s voice hits a certain pitch, they’d better obey…. Pastor Burcham once said “You’ll never prove strength by yelling. Watch your mouth!” That quote has stuck with me. It’s very true. I haven’t gained anything by yelling, except maybe a sore throat. I always feel that I yell too much, yet I’m the only one that can control it!
I also need to work on my reactions. I have a tendency to hyper-focus on one task, and block out all else. I hear DS5 asking for milk…. I just don’t respond cuz I’m focused on my task. then when he asks for like the 100th time in 5 minutes (yes it is possible. trust me!) I lash out, “WHAT? What do you want?” frustrated at being interuptted. What’s worse, I catch him doing the same thing! To me, to his brother and sister…. probably at school too… not kuel. but I have the power to change it now! I’m trying. I’m trying to get better at saying, “One minute! please let me finish this!” or even, “I’m sorry” after I’ve lashed out irrationally.
So there you go. One huge dragon faced. not once but twice today! I’m actually feeling much better now that I’ve gotten this all down… Writing is very cathartic for me… Hence why so many of my blogs are deep and reflective, yet in IRL I love making the people I love laugh…