I wrote an email to my group of friends yesterday, about how I was feeling so stressed and pressured over the coming months that I was becoming paralyzed emotionally. How right now it feels almost like a 200 pound weight, crushing my soul. I wrote about how many milestones, anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays were all about to hit in the next 6 months. I mentioned how I was getting overwhelmed with the big picture, and kept having to remind myself to start small, one step at a time. One event at a time. Get through MomoT’s wedding first. Then deal with the next holiday. I said, “It’s a hard thing to remember when the mountain seems so high. You look up at the top and think there is no way I’ll ever get all the way up there. I might as well just stay here… One step at a time. And before you know it, you’re enjoying the view from the top of the mountain.”One of my good friends reminded me of Psalm 121.
I will lift my eyes to the mountains; from whence shall my help come?
My help comes from the Lord, who made Heaven and Earth.
He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your Keeper, the Lord is your Shade on your right hand.
The sun will not smite you by day, nor the moon by night.
The Lord will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul.
The Lord will guard your going out and coming in from this time forth and forever.
~ Ps 121 NASB
Wow. What a powerful reminder. I’ve lost my true focus. I’ve been looking at the forest, instead of the One who created the forest. So let me change my perspective here…
He planned it this way. He grouped all the angeldays together in a short 3 month time span, because he knew it would bring me such grief and sorrow, and He didn’t want me to go through that grief all year round. He then entwined my children’s birthdays within all my Angel’s angeldays to make sure there was joy in the midst of the sorrow. He gave me the gift of my oldest child a few days from my father’s birthday because he knew one day my father’s birthday would also be a cause of sorrow, and the birthday of a child is a powerful reminder that life goes on. Yet there is enough time between the two days that I can grieve my father, and still find my way back to joy for my son. He planned my father’s death to occur between my daughter’s birthday and Easter. At some point, it may even be Easter. What better reminder that we will see dad again, then Easter? The day our Lord and Savior conquered death once and for all. He waited until after Thanksgiving to start the drama. So that I would begin the season of pain and hardship by remembering all that I have to be thankful for. He centered all this grief and pain right around Christmas. Christmas. Wow. The day Jesus was born. A day for joy, and celebration. The birthday of our King. Then he gave me three beautiful children, to make sure I did not ignore all the joy of the holiday season. He gave me a set of truly wonderful friends who are always there to lend an ear and hand out hugs, even if they are virtual hugs… He gave me a mother, who, though we fought like cats and dogs when I was teen, is now one of my best and closest friends. He gave me three beautiful kids, who, though they can be a bit devilish from time to time, in general they are so well behaved that mommy can spend a few days not knowing which way is up and they will entertain each other, behave like angels, and give mommy the time she needs to get her head back on straight.
And best of all… He gave me a wonderful husband. A caring, compassionate man who would do anything for me to make sure that my burdens are not too heavy. A man not afraid to get his hands dirty with some housework when all I want to do is sleep off the pain. A man who is always there for me, even when he is an ocean away. Who even when he doesn’t fully understand the emotion coursing through my body, is always willing to listen, even if “listening” means “reading” because I’m often so much better at writing then speaking.
While flipping through my Bible to find Ps 121, I found this one:
I love the Lord, because he hears my voice and my supplications.
Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I shall call upon Him as long as I live.
The cords of death encompass me and the terrors of Sheol came upon me; I found distress and sorrow.
Then I called upon the name of the Lord: “Oh Lord, I beseech You, save my life!”
Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our God is compassionate.
The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me.
Return to your rest, o my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountiful with you.
For You have rescued my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling.
I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living.
~ Ps 116: 1-9
Wow. Just what I needed to see today. Thank you Lord.
And this was just what I needed to see the day you sent it to me! We’re all here to lift up each other when the going gets tough. Glad you were able to work through the pressures you were feeling and find the bright side of things!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have just now read this, a whole month after your post. I probably did not need to read it until now — when I need to hear it most. Sometimes when so much goes on in our lives that we cannot explain, it helps to look up and realize there is a reason for it all even though we may not know what that reason is at the time. Sometimes we find out later on in our lives, sometimes we never do fully realize. I identified especially with your relationship with your mother — both before your father’s passing and afterwards. I, too, fought with my mother and was closer to my father until his passing when I was 10. Afterwards mom and I became the best of friends. “He” works in mysterious ways. Dana