Kat's Arbitrary Thought Processes

So, a week or so ago, I found this post by one of my fav bloggers, Chris from Notes from the Trenches. The post hit a raw nerve. We all know how I struggle with the yelling, and the monthly bitch that is ever so slowly starting to take over the entire month. She is not content with her alloted one week anymore. Chris’s list of forgiveness really made me think.

And that weren’t enough of a God-Smack… I found this over at CWO (Christian Women Online) . This quote stood out in particular:

To move forward, enough looking in the rear view mirror.

In the past few weeks, I’ve struggled with depression. And as I worked my way through it, I came to realization that I was allowing myself to dwell. I’d planted my behind in the past, and sat there weeping for what will never be. And in the last few days, as I’m slowly walking, one step after another, out of the pit of depression, I’ve learned that I can’t dwell int he past. Learn from it yes. Grieve, yes. Dwell, no. Life is continuing to move forward, I need to too.

The CWO writer quotes Hebrews 12:1 and hilights the “lay aside every weight” part of the verse, because holding on to a grudge is equal to strapping a 20 pound weight to your back, and expecting the other person to break under the wieght. Then she says:

Yes, you may have been done wrong.
Yes, it hurts!
Yes, He knows.
And yet, He still says…forgive.
From Jesus’ own words:

Luke 11:4 Forgive us our sins, or we also forgive everyone who sins against us. NIV

He would never ask you to do something contrary to His will for you. He came to bring you life!

John 10:10b, the verse in my header. “I came that they may life, and have it more abundantly.”

But I don’t hold grudges, mostly because I have a very short term memory. *S* I simply can’t remember why I was pissed off at someone. So why does this speak to me? I go back to Chris’s post. Why did it speak volumes to me? Because it is me. How many times have I promised a game or something, as soon as I’m done with this post/email/task, and then not delivered? How often do I beat myself up over screaming instead of taking a breath and being more understanding? Or how often have I thought, “gee… I should call so&so today. It’s been a while. Even an email would be good.” Only to promptly forget all about it 5 minutes later? The answer to all of theses – Too often to count. And yes, I routinely beat myself up over my shortcomings. So what if I am the person I need to forgive?

One of the things that is becoming more and more apparent as this year progress, short though it is… Is that I need to spend more time with God. God forgives me for my shortcomings, and accepts me the way I am. It blows my mind. Especially when I struggle to accept myself.  If I am going to start fresh this year, I need to stop carrying the weight of what I shoulda-woulda-coulda done last yea, or even yesterday.  I need to forgive myself, and move on.

So I do.

I forgive myself for spending way too much time mindlessly surfing the net.  Afterall, some of that mindless surfing led me to CWO and the Preacher’s Wife, and other Godly, Christian bloggers.  I need that.  I need to surround myself with other Christian bloggers, and read encouraging devotionals and what not.  So see, all that “mindless surfing” had a purpose.

I forgive myself for not being the mother I always dreamed I would be.  I am not the patient, quiet, controlled, super mom.  But my kids know that I love them, despite the outbursts and bitchy days.  That’s really what’s important.

I forgive myself for doing things half-assed.  I put way too much on my own plate, then drown under the pressure, and wind up surfing mindlessly, or watching TV instead.

I forgive myself for not sticking around a few extra hours that last day when we moved.  There was no way any of could have known it would be the last time we saw Dad.  And I forgive myself for listening to my mom and not my heart when she said I didn’t need to go up there when he went into the hospital.
There is more.  But most of it is stuff I’m not willing to put into words.  Especially since I have things I need to do with & for my kids right now.   One thing is for sure.  I have asked my Father to forgive me, and He already has.  It’s time I do the same.