Mother\u2019s Day is always a hard holiday for me to deal with. It will always remind me of my 4 little angels. The hardest question for me to answer is, \u201cHow many kids do you have?\u201d How do I answer? Do I take the easy way out, 3 children, here they are. Or do I answer with my heart, 7 babies, 3 right here with me, and 4 more in the arms of Jesus.
\nAs I hold my baby\u2019s hand today, and look at his small fingers, I can\u2019t help but think back to my first baby. The one whose hand I never held. She\u2019d be 6 years old this Mother\u2019s Day. My Angel.
\nI think of the other 3 little angels. Mysterie Rayne, Sunshine Rae, and Charity Rose. All three gone before a doctor could verify their existence, but I knew they were there. And now, I know why they are gone. I don\u2019t know what is worse, not knowing, or knowing. I always feel guilt, and depression when I think of these three. I can\u2019t help but feel that my defective uterus caused their loss. Despite my friends and family, who tell me constantly that I\u2019m not defective, and it\u2019s not my fault, the guilt still washes over me when I think of these three babies. The same defect that caused their loss caused all three of my survivors to be born prematurely, two of them needing NICU care. It\u2019s hard to separate those thoughts. I think deep inside, whether I verbalize it to anyone else, a part of me will always feel defective and guilty.
\nMy first baby. It\u2019s been 6 years, and it still hurts.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Mother\u2019s Day is always a hard holiday for me to deal with. It will always remind me of my 4 little angels. The hardest question for me to answer is, …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[4,6],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-26","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-deep-thoughts","category-family_life"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack-related-posts":[],"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/yuriar.com\/katp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/yuriar.com\/katp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/yuriar.com\/katp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yuriar.com\/katp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yuriar.com\/katp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=26"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/yuriar.com\/katp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/26\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/yuriar.com\/katp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=26"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yuriar.com\/katp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=26"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yuriar.com\/katp\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=26"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}